


Too Close

by crimsonsupernova



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-28
Updated: 2016-09-28
Packaged: 2018-08-18 09:29:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8157313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimsonsupernova/pseuds/crimsonsupernova
Summary: Set shortly after 'Resolutions'.Very short, with a restless Janeway, a bit of guilt and a tiny little bit of pain.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first attempt at writing. I just wanted to play a little and have some fun :)  
> (I didn't even know what to call this :D) 
> 
> English is not my first language, so please feel free to point out any mistakes :)
> 
> Thanks to the lovely [ khurst](http://archiveofourown.org/users/khurst/pseuds/khurst) for the very much needed help! :) 
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended.

Kathryn knew he was watching her. She tried to concentrate on the report on her PADD but her thoughts kept wandering. What was he thinking? What kept his warm eyes coming back to her whenever he thought she was distracted enough not to notice? Because she did. She always noticed. She remembered the way her skin tingled whenever he entered any room she was in and how his eyes would find her almost instantaneously. How close he always was to her. Like a shadow, silent and always by her side.

Lost in thought she looked up to the view screen where strips of light were flashing by. Like a child that's just got caught Chakotay flinched slightly and turned away, now staring at his hands.  
Both pretending not to notice the other ones actions made the silence between them heavy and the tension almost unbearable. After what seemed like an eternity Kathryn finally decided it was enough.

"I'll be in my ready room. You have the bridge, Commander." 

She left her chair and walked towards the door to her right. Leaving the bridge behind her, she threw the PADD onto her desk and went straight to the replicator.

"Coffee. Black."

It was her fourth cup this morning and before she could even start thinking about cutting back the aroma hit her. For a few seconds she managed to clear her head from everything and concentrate on the warm pleasure she was holding with both hands, before her mind brought her back to those oh so dangerous thoughts.

Those thoughts that seemed to be her permanent companion ever since they returned from New Earth. It felt like a distant memory now. One where she had finally allowed herself to be carefree just to be pulled back into her old life. She was a Starship Captain, she should not be regretting things that never happened and never would. With a sigh she moved over to the couch, put her cup down onto her small table and made herself comfortable.

She tried to distract herself one more time by taking a PADD from the small pile she had left on the table before starting her shift on the bridge. It didn't last long so she leaned back, covering her face with her hands. This had to stop.

_'Pull yourself together, Katie!'_

Her hands dropped to her lap as her door chimed. There was no need to guess who was standing on the other side of the door.

"Come in."

He walked in, his hands behind his back as usual.

"Join me, Commander." She smiled and waved her right hand to the empty space beside her.

"You seemed quite preoccupied on the bridge today, Captain."

He walked over and she tried not to move away from him as he seated himself close to her. This was probably a bad idea and she knew it but she couldn't risk acting other than usual.

"I'm sure I have every reason to be preoccupied for the next few decades, don't you think?" She gave him that memorable smile of hers and he couldn't help but let out a little laugh. "Everything is fine, really."

Their eyes locked and she felt a sudden tension in the air between them. A few seconds passed before she stood up in an attempt to break the spell. Trying to avoid his dark eyes she turned to the replicator. "Let me get you something to drink Commander."  
"No, thank you." He was already standing as she turned back around. "I just wanted to make sure everything was alright. I should be getting back to the bridge."

"Right. So should I."

She walked towards him, expecting him to move with her but he didn't and she almost bumped into him.

"Actually, I think you should take the rest of the shift off"

"Why would I do that?"

"You could use a break. I know you said everything was fine but I know you Kathryn." He stepped closer. "Something has been bothering you lately. You don't need to tell me what it is. All I'm asking is for you to relax and enjoy yourself, just for a few hours."

He knew he wasn't the first one to tell her to take it easy for a change, so he waited for her protest. But she just kept staring at him and he could see the turmoil in her eyes. Deep blue, darker than they were before, and he felt like he was drowning in them. He was about to speak again when she sighed.

"I don't deserve it."

Now he was confused. What was she talking about? "Of course you do. You work harder than the rest of us."

She just shook her head slowly.

"Then what do you mean?"

She swallowed but still didn't answer. He was starting to feel frustrated, she had never been at a loss for words so he knew whatever was troubling her she could not or did not want to express. He stood close, so dangerously close, and it was affecting both of them.

"Kathryn..." He made her name sound so soft and warm, and her skin was burning under his gaze. She wanted to step away, but she felt this intense force pulling her toward him.  
Her eyes followed the curves of his lips, and she regretted it instantly as she saw how he slightly parted his lips to let out a breath. Mirroring his actions she looked deep into his eyes again, as if looking for an answer even though she already knew what she had to do. She needed to let him go before they even had the chance to become something more than just friends. She had to stop this.

"It's nothing, really."

She turned away, wanting to walk around the table and get back to the bridge but she wasn't fast enough and he managed to grab her hand.

"Don't." She was clenching her teeth. To anyone else she would have appeared tense, even angry. But he recognized the pain in her eyes. How much she was struggling to keep control. So he let go of her hand and saw how she started to relax.

"I'm sorry Chakotay." It was barely a whisper. She couldn't stand his intense gaze any longer and looked away.

"I can't."

Then it finally hit him. The reason she was so distant lately.

_I don't deserve it._

Why did it take him so long to finally understand? He let out a heavy sigh.

"Kathryn. You do deserve to be happy."

"No, I don't!"

Her mind was screaming, all the thoughts she had been trying to suppress, tormenting her in her sleep, came back crushing, torturing her. _'How could I, when I'm responsible for everyone else's misery? To think I almost let go of all that burden on new earth. To be happy with him. How could I, when everything is my fault?'_ The guilt was excruciating and it cost her all of her energy not to break in front of him. He was about to take a step closer, wanting to comfort her.

"Please leave."

Understanding that she needed to be alone he nodded and walked towards the door. Before reaching the sensors, he stopped but didn't turn. "I will wait, Kathryn. As long as you need." And then she was alone.

She let herself fall onto the couch, overwhelmed by her emotions. Breathing was the only thing she concentrated on, trying to calm her mind. It was too much. A life long journey ahead, with a First Officer who constantly occupied her thoughts.

But she knew she could handle it. All she had to do was not feel anything.


End file.
